I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
