I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
