Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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