Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize