I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
