The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
