i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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