OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
