Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
