she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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