Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
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