Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
