i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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