i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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