youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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