Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
