I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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