I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
