Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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