I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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