i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
