Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
