my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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