He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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