I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
