i wish my penis had a tongue
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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