This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize