i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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