Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
