Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
