I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
