His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
