i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
