Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
