My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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