What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
