I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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