I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
