As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Congratulations! We have a period
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