I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
