Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
