don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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