im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
