Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
