I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
