my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
