i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
