My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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