I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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