Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
