Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
