we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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