Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
