she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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