we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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