I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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