But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
someone owes me an orgasm
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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