I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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