my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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